Did the cat ever get scared of the mouse?

While taking my usual morning shower a couple of weeks ago, a thought just popped into my head.
The reason why I’ve never been in a relationship, or ever fell in love, is because I am scared shitless of love.
Which is an ironic thing because I am scared of that one thing that I desire the most.
Just like every one of the six billion of us, I want to love and be loved. But at the same time, it also paralyzes me.

“She comes in with great impact. But then she retreats greatly as well.”

There is this character that I read about – Lorelei. Because she was huge for the current fashion of that time, together with her lonely childhood, she believed that she doesn’t have the right to be loved. And the thing about it is that she tries to unconsciously prove that. And so, when she does experience it, she goes into it with a big bang, and then retreats even further into herself.

I have a feeling that we are the same at that point.

But just this weekend, I also figured out that I am not ready for any committed relationships. For the moment, atleast.

While most people have finally grown up and reached that level of maturity that make them able to stick to one person day in and day out for the rest of their lives, well, I don't think I've done that yet. Its not that I am going to cheat on my boyfriend with anyone remotely looking like Tom Welling. (because my lover would look like Tom Welling. he3. :) ) Its just that probably I wouldn't be able to handle the responsiblities that require a committed mature relationship. Case and point the CONSTANT ATTENTION that you have to give him/ it.

You see, I am a little bit of a social butterfly. I have numerous friends, but I don't necessarily stick to one group. While I do form special bonds with them, I don't feel compelled to see them or to talk to them on a very regular basis, say twice every single day.

Being the only girl with two brothers, I guess that conditioned me to be a virtually independent person. While I became very adept in playing with matchbox cars, trump cards, and other 'guy' games, I was left on my own to play dress-up and make believe. And my room being the attic of our house, made me even more isolated, physically.

While to some this may be a little bit sad or even worse - pathetic, I on the other hand wouldn't like to think so. Because while some would have to choose sides when things get out of hand among friends, I am the one usually in the middle where I remain very level-headed and very fair.

But going back, that is the reason why I don't think I can be committed to anyone right now other than myself.

I am truthfully just not ready for it.

It is the same reason why life hasn't led me to the ONE yet. I am still getting tweaked to be perfect for that special someone who is also perfect for me.

What else could possibly go wrong?

Yesterday might have been the most horrendous of photo shoots, I have ever experienced. (Well, considering that I actually do fuck up something every month, well that is much. )

Yesterday, out of sheer dimwittedness, I started a shoot quite late. We had to go to seven different stores across the whole of Mega Manila, so I should have mentally noted that it wasn’t going to be easy.

At first, on the way to our first stop along Mabini St. in Malate, Well, we had a flat tire. Yes, while we were trying to beat the amazing race for the fastest times, well, we had a flat tire. So, we had to run across from Gil Puyat, into the Mall, out into Padre Faura and into the humid streets. When we did finally get to shoot it and were waiting for our ride, well, our driver got lost. Isn’t that just super??? Apparently he bypassed us. I actually can’t seem to figure out how he did but he did! It actually took about 45 minutes for him to pick us up.

While waiting for our lost driver, our managing editor, bursted out, “You know the only thing we need to complete this day is rain.”

Low and behold, we actually did have rain. It might have been late in the afternoon. But nonetheless, we were still on the job when it rained.

Looking at the magazines, you might think that this job is easy. Some might even think that it is glamorous.
Well, it isn’t.
While it does have its perks, it is not as easy as getting out of bed at noon.