Directions, anyone?

I am lost.
Or at least I feel as though I am lost.

I am in the middle of an intersection between loser and hopeless.
So where am i heading now?

I had so many dreams when I was younger.
They were all dreams of grandeur. They were dreams that the cynic had warned me about and the optimist that fueled it.

And now, when those dreams are more distant than ever, I don't know who it is to be blamed. Is it them who instated the challenge of turning these dreams to reality or is it I who actually believed that I can.

But then again, assigning the blame is moot.
It cannot help me where I am now. So why bother, right?

I wish I know what it is that I need to do. Damn. I am soooo scared witless that I am paralyzed from the neck down. Failures, disappointment, and pain must have something to do with it. But they are all part of life, part of the journey that is life. So, why should I be afraid or ashamed?

Only the Cowards and the lifeless are the ones without scars.

Where do we turn to now?

My four years in college was spent trying to learn about how to write. Or at least, it was spent polishing whatever it was that I knew about writing. Mind you, I graduated from one of the best universities in this country and so that should have given me enough confidence to do what it is that I was supposed to do. And suppose being the operative word here. Because as of now, I believe I have been rejected by a potential employer of my dreams.

This just doesn’t make me feel bad because of the rejection. This goes deeper than that. Now, I am questioning my abilities and the four years that I’ve spent trying to learn this craft. Was it all for nothing? Have I been fooling myself all these years? Should I go to the kitchen now and slash myself to death?

I am smart person, so I know what I should do. I should make a plan B and go for it. That is the most sensible thing to do now, right? Or that I should take on another road that would eventually lead to the very same destination. But what most people leaves out when they ditch that piece of advice is that by now, the person’s self-confidence is sooooo low that she can barely get out of the door and face the world. For crying out loud! She is questioning her validity!!!

My parents are not in anyway guilty of making me feel this way. In fact, they haven’t pestered me or anything. They just keep calm and lovingly smile at me when they arrive home from work. (If that is not love, I don’t know what is.) And perhaps that is one more thing that makes me soooo angry and ashamed of myself. They deserve more than a BIG FAT LOSER for a daughter. They’re great people, fantastic parents who deserve a better daughter.

So the question remains, Where do I turn to now?

Have you ever been trapped in a quicksand?

“It is a feeling of being trapped, and that no matter what you do, no matter how much you struggle, you just find yourself deeper into it than before. “

I have a feeling that I am living in a quicksand. Isn’t that just sweet?
I actually don’t know what to do anymore.

I am ugly, fat, unattractive, unemployed and stupid. Need I elaborate any further?

What happened to me, I don’t know. I thought I was strong. I thought I was brave. I thought that I could handle anything that would go my way and still emerge victorious. Then why is it now, I am here, stuck in this hell and can’t seem to find a way to get out of it?

I want to get out and run away from it all. I want to just run away and not think of all these things and just live my life the way I want it. But I know that I can’t. How am I supposed to survive? How am I supposed to get money for my things? For my needs? I never thought that writing would be the answer to all my needs but it seems as though it is and now I am regretting the times when I was fighting it.

Hindsight is such a wonderful thing. So why can’t we just have it in the beginning?

Others might say that Foresight is what I am looking for. But I don't think so. It isn’t exactly the same thing. For in hindsight, I know what it is exactly that happened and why it happened. Foresight is just really more of a calculated guess that is mixed with an cup of probability.

Could it be that I am actually wishing for a certain type of magic?

I figured out why I got rejected by a potential employer. In order to save myself, I actually gave a wrong answer that ensured my rejection. Isn’t that just a twisted thing? So, there. I lost a once-in-a-lifetime shot at something that I love because of my own sheer stupidity. I don’t know if I would laugh or cry.

How do you break a heart?

I still don’t know how to break it to my mum that I didn’t get in. Mon Dieu, she’s going to be devastated! Just in case you don’t know, my mum is very much a fan of the movies. She loves the spectacle and the escape it provides.

I haven’t told her yet. I don’t think I have the balls to do it. Mon Dieu! What am I supposed to do now?

Do heartbreaks really make us stronger?

I am the biggest loser in the planet.

I already one foot in the door and I sabotaged my chances of getting through the door. Isn’t that the most stupid thing you’ve ever heard? And that is what I’ve done.

Why this is happening to me, I don’t know! But it is and I pretty much hate myself for it. Right now, I actually don’t know how I am going to live through life. I was thinking of just sleeping through every single day so that I wouldn’t even feel it.

I am such a big fat loser.

I’ve never felt so useless in my entire life. Mon Dieu.

So what am I going to do now?
I feel so tired of fighting. I’ve been holding up on my own for the last odd something years. I’ve been fighting for love, time, and attention from my folks these past years. I’ve been fighting for my own place in the world. I’ve been fighting the negative things that try to keep on putting me down.

And I am fighting still.

I am not complaining about that because that’s the way of the world. Only dead fishes go with the flow. But it seems as though there is nothing that compensates for it. There is nothing that comes my way that actually makes it worth it. I don’t even have a respite from the fighting. Heck, even the rebels and the military have ceasefire. Why the heck can’t I? There isn’t even a pair of loving arms that would hold me for at least 10 seconds. There is n o one who’s asking if I’m all right and mean it. There is no one who would love away the hurt and pain of the day.

The loneliness is palpable.

P.S.
Just heard from a certain feng shui expert that this year isnt exactly a banner year for the rooster. So I guess, the rooster ain't going to crow anytime soon.

Do we dream things to make them happen?

He yanked her against him, devoured her mouth. And when that wasn’t enough, whirled her around to scrape his teeth along her shoulder, the side of her neck. With his face buried in her hair he ran his hands up her body, filled them with her lace-covered breasts.

She arched back to him, hooked her arms around his neck and offered. The spin from patient to urgent left her dizzy, brutally aroused and ready to be taken. She felt the greed from him now, and felt her own rise to match it.

His hand slid down, cupped between her legs, pressed, and brought her to the jagged edge of release. Before she could fall, he trailed his finger down her thigh and with one fast flick, unhooked a garter.

Her breath caught. Her body strained. “Mon Dieu.”

“When I am inside you, you won’t be able to think of anything else.” He unhooked a second garter. “But first, I need to touch you, the way I’ve been dreaming of touching you.” He rubbed his lips over her shoulder, nudged the strap of her bra aside.

He turned her to face him, let his fingers dive into her hair, draw her head back. “You’re mine tonight.”

Denial, defiance, fought their way through seduction. “I belong to myself.”

He scooped her up, laid her back on the bed. “Tonight, we’re going to belong to each other.”

Okay honey. Take a deep breath. There. One more. Last one.

I, too, take deep breaths after every single time I read that. And I read the darn thing almost every single day. Probably because I would like to give myself those few minutes every day to dream that I would be wanted and be loved like that. (Nora Roberts certainly knows what a woman yearns for.)
And sometimes, I am afraid that I dream these things, get my hopes up, and wish that one single person for me would love me like that.

Certainly, there are things that we can flesh out. I would like to believe that God has given us that ability, that privilege.

But when dreams involve certain valuables that we can’t control, should we even try to make them happen? What if they fall short and just cause even more heartbreak?

One of the few things that I’ve learned so far is that there are no guarantees.

So, I guess the only thing left to is continue taking risks .

Should the rooster start crowing?

Its supposed to be my year, having been born in the year of the rooster years ago. But putting too much faith on such things sometimes become the making of a disaster.

Nonetheless, It doesn't change anything.

I'm still going to go through life the way I've always had... LIVING.